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No kind of conflict resolution process has
long term benefit unless the individuals involved come to an understanding
of: their style
of dealing with conflict, what factors contributed to the conflict,
and how to re-direct energies in changing their own behavior so
that future interactions between the conflicting parties are more
productive and positive.
Consider the following points of self-reflection:
- Look inward rather than outward; we tend to
focus most on the role of the other person obstructing our goals
(things we cannot control)
rather than addressing what I am or could be doing.
- Focus on "what is in my power to control?"
- Once you stop holding another person
responsible for your suffering you can focus attention on your own role
in the conflict.
- Ask yourself:
- What is it about him/her that
I find threatening?
- How
is he/she able to get under my skin so easily?
- Why do I feel wounded
by a person who is not that close to me?
- Look back on the patterns in
your life--people with
whom you had significant conflict; every conflict is played out on a
stage populated by others. Just as important, these conflicts
are re-enactments
of previous struggles
as well as depictions of events as we IMAGINE them to be. Nautrally,
there is rom for distortion and misinterpretation.
- If you keep doing
what you're doing,
you'll keep getting what you're getting. Why do we continue self-defeating
behaviors in conflict?
- When you no longer choose to blame others
for your conflicts and
subsequent misery, what is left is the realization that it is within
your power to alter the course that conflicts are taking, even
without
that person's consent
or cooperation.
How to Become a Problem-Solver
- Identify what
sets you off.
What is the possible source of your reactions?
What kinds of
people and particular
situations set you off in such a way that you lose control? Assess what
you find to be the most disruptive and disturbing.
- Explore the
origins
and causes of your
conflict.
You act in certain ways because you have learned to protect
yourself from future harm based on past experiences. What are
these? How did these
problems develop and what other issues are they related to?
- Allow
yourself discomfort.
Becoming conscious of your
ineffective behavior makes it more difficult for you to continue
it and remain oblivious to the implications
and consequences.
- Take responsibility without blaming.
Concentrate
on what you can do to alter the situation; ask, "what is in my
power to control?"
- Commit yourself to acting
differently.
Sometimes changing a life pattern is a matter of conscious
choice; what is required of you?
- Experiment with alternative
strategies.
Definite action
is required--strategies that are different from what you are already
doing. What are these?
- Touch briefly on "what we did wrong" and then concentrate on "what we
did right."
Conflict
Resolution / Communication Resources
- Covey, Stephen R. The Seven Habits
of Highly Effective People, Simon and Schuster Publishing, New York,
NY, 1989.
- Goldhor Lerner, Harriet. The Dance
of Anger, Harper
and Row
Publishers, New York, NY, 1985.
- Goleman, Daniel. Emotional
Intelligence, Bantam Books, New York, NY, 1994.
- Johnson, Spencer.
Who Moved My
Cheese? G.P. Putnam's Sons Publishers, New York, NY, 1998.
- Kottler, Jeffrey. Beyond Blame, Jossey Bass Publishers, San
Francisco, CA,
1994.
Resources (Available from the Labor Office)
- The
Practical Coach: video and workbook (24 minutes)
- Conflict
Management: The Your Turn, My Turn video (37 minutes)
- Dealing
with Difficult People:
video and workbook/3 volume set (4 hours, 38
minutes)
- Conflict
Mode Instrument: Understanding Your Personal
Style
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